    |
 |
  |
  |
|
Oh Canada (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 19:59:05: 05/31/2005) While most froticians were doing "other things" apparently a part of the world was paying attention to something other than France's way of saying "no" which is "non". One piece of the world was watching Miss Universe. And while it is utterly egotistical for the human race to proclaim "miss universe" while the rest of the universe is probably not even watching or getting represented in this contest Natalie Glebova from Canada did, however, make a nice showing. Not only can you see through her suit, you can see through her skin. We'll guarantee she's tried frotuss before and thinks that it's simply frotific. Probably the most fun thing about this year's Miss Universe is that it took place in Bangkok, Thailand. Just frotify for a while and say Bangkok over and over again to yourself and try not to giggle. Paris to wed Paris |
70's Escapism Fun and a big bonus for Raquel Welch fans, May 14, 2005
| |
|
I especially liked the casting of Jeanne Cooper as the team coach, and Helen K. as the sympathized, yet despised enemy,
I'll admit seeing her in one of the film's highlights, a catfight with her rolling across the railroad tracks with Raquel with a train coming?? Like I said, escapism fun at it's best!!
The final battle between Raquel and Helen K. was especially entertaining given the slow motion scenes, I remember actually yelling at the drive-in screen from the front of my father's car while sitting on a blanket, "Go, Raquel, Win!"
I even learned things about the Roller Derby biz from this entertaining flick.
I know there are those of you out there who have also been waiting for this title to come out on DVD. Our day is here!
For those of you who didn't enjoy the movie, you have a right to your opinion, but I know I'm going to enjoy getting a copy on release day.
Go Raquel, thanks for entertaining us so!
"The Original Whizzinator"
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:34:05: 05/19/2005) Tight end Kellen Winslow II will miss this season for the Cleveland Browns thanks to some idiotic motorcycle driving a couple weeks ago. This will mark the second season, practically, that the young millionaire has not had to play after he missed all but the first two games of his young first season last year.It sucks to be a Browns fan knowing that you'r awesomely talented first round draft choice is missing the season.
It must be even worse however to be a Vikings fan knowing that your first round draft choice from last year, Onterio Smith, will be missing the entire season this year for not participating in a drug test which will mark against him as his third offense and thus constitute a season's ban from the league. Not more than a month ago he was stopped in an airport with a device called "The Original Whizzinator" which touts itself as being able to mask any drug test.
Doesn't that blow?
The World wide web you didn't know was even there
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 17:59:12: 05/18/2005) Bet you didn't know that there is a whole wide world of information at your fingertips if you just had the courage to type in a website rather than google something. It's true.
Google has droned us into such lazy behavior that we never think for ourselves anymore. Google has become our deity of divination.
Want to look up that ex-girlfriend and see if she's doing her own porn yet? What do you do? You "google" her and come up with absolute dick as a result even though you knew to go ahead and put "quotes" around the two words so as the exact phrase would pop up. But nevermind that.
The point here was to illustrate to the dear web user that merely googling limits you're results. For an ever stranger odyssey, rather than typing in ".com" try typing in ".co.uk" as the extension of your potential web target. This opens up a whole new can of worms for you. It's all the websites from jolly old England. Type a ".de" on the end to get a low-down on those crazy lederhosen/beer-guzzlin' Germans, or ".nl" to see how many pounds of frotuss the Dutch Masters are up to. See. Every country has their own extensions. Switzerland is ".ch" and Australia is ".au" or something to that effect.
Plus, google just ain't any good anymore. It sucks if you want to actually find something that you couldn't just find by typing in "whatever you want" followed by the dotcom. Google is great if you're looking up great porn on the web, but that's about where it ends. It's days of unambiguous cross-referencing are long past since they cashed in on their dutch-auction. Now most of America is hood winking right along as they pay google money to go get listed as relevant to every tom, dick and harry phrase out there. Mom and Pop internet user don't even know how to use the URL bar they just google or yahoo whatever it is and think that they're actually getting an objective website, when they are only getting delivered by google to the highest bidder.
Screw the searchers. Just type in your ex-girlfriend.com or try hotpants.co.uk... who knows? Your work-browser filter probably hasn't caught onto foreign languages yet, so have a real ball.
'Ginormous' Tops Non-Dictionary Word List
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:06:05: 05/17/2005) Websters held a contest for words that should be in the dictionary but are not and Ginormous won. Not so precariously whiffing this year was the word frotuss.
When you compare frotuss to the twin motherships shown above, frotuss doesn't exactly come to mind. Surely she smokes the frotuss though. A woman with a pair of satellite dishes like that probably can't help but try anything... again... and again... and again.
Ginormous= larger than giant and enourmous.
Sarah Lucas and her frotific Art
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 21:40:05: 05/16/2005)Zurich, Switzerland She certainly loves to portray the penis. Sarah Lucas has been a seminal member of the informal grouping of young British artists that includes Damien Hirst, Tracey Emin and the Chapman brothers—a collective that is often criticised as a bunch of low-concept, self-promoting publicity artists. Her work includes photography, collage and conceptual pieces that inevitably make ironic use of quotidian objects, and refer in inverted quotes to canonised works of art. If you like that sort of thing, you can see 50 Lucas masterpieces at this show, which will move on to Hamburg and Liverpool.
Kunsthalle,
Limmatstrasse, 8005 Zürich. Tel: +41 (0)44 272-15-15. Open: Tues-Fri,
12pm-6pm (Thurs to 8pm); Sat-Sun, 11am-5pm. Entry: Sfr8. For more
information, visit the museum's website.
The item above is a frotifier's daydream, no doubt. Not very much is left for the imagination; or is there?
The End of the World is not as close as anybody predicted
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 20:30:12: 05/15/2005) Despite what researchers in Australia are saying about the existance of planet-swallowing stars the sun doesn't appear ready to swallow the earth for another 5 billion years.
This fact has kept frotifyers from having children for years and years. We're here to say that 5 billion years is a long time. All of your descendants could wind up gay by then. (Just one possibility)
We're here to pose a solution to the sun's expanding and the impossible values of real estate 5 billion years from now: move to Mars. By the time the suns expands enough to swallow Mercury and Venus (approaching Red Giant Stage), Mars should be in just about the right range to nuture life and hopefully without the same cancerous effects.
Just an idea.
Frotuss: A song. Download it at Winmx.com
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 23:36:10: 05/14/2005) A Song:
Once upon a time, in 1776, Thomas Jefferson signed his name
on a piece of marijuana
and this document was a symbol of freedom and of liberty
at least for the rich white gentry
and time marched along
this plant that I refer to has been used for everything
from medicine to the american flag
now it seems to be somewhere along the way of how things got messed up
yeah, messed up
for marijuana
gift of god to my brothers and me
marijuana
government wants to test me when i pee
well some say a conspiracy
A the petrochemical, and pulp-paper industries combined
to kill the competition
government hysteria, monopoly, and conflicts of interest with total impunity
so if you don't buy the conspiracy, just look at the reality that your tax dollars go
to spray poison on the fields of a farmer in south america
and as an added bonus, your neighbor might be proud recipients of that poison weed
marijuana
government comes to test me when i pee
marijuana
gift of god to my brothers and me
marijuana
you can't legislate your own morality
marijuana
government comes to test me when i pee
reefer madness
chronic sadness
what is the half life of bad propaganda
policies fail
denied bail
you made him a demon
now pay for his trip to prison
hard to promote the status quo
but what is the shelf life
of bad legislation?
the hypocrite smirks at some moral disgrace
as he reads from the law that was written
about the same time
that he had
his last original thought
the man said he was dieing
the nausea and the pain left him wasting away
and unable to keep a meal down
so he tried everything
prescription could obtain but to no avail
the side effects were worse then the pain
so now he breaks law
to use the one thing that seems to help him out
the people say, "oh he's just gettin' high"
but not to change the subject, but didn't you ever wonder why gettin' high's a crime?
yeah a crime
marijuana
gift of god to my brothers and me
marijuana
government wants to test me when i pee
marijuana
government wants to test me when i pee
marijuana
government wants to test me when i pee
marijuana
government wants to test me when i pee
Getting away with Murder?
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 09:14:14: 05/14/2005) After 16 hours of deliberation and weeks of sometimes-brutal testimony, an emotional jury acquitted Maxwell McCord late Friday night on charges he beat his wife to death in their Weston home four years ago.
The verdict sparked a wild scene in the courtroom. Victim Marie Noguera's mother sat crying for several seconds, then pointed to McCord and wailed, "You did it," in Spanish before collapsing. One of the two lead prosecutors raced from the courtroom, then broke down in the hallway.
"I am surprised, but I only say that because I never should have been arrested in the first place," McCord said before lashing out at prosecutors and police. "I have happiness that justice was done, as much as people don't want to believe it."
Assistant State Attorney Brian Cavanaugh was one of them. "There's no such thing as justice, not in this world," said Cavanaugh while storming out of the courtroom to join co-consul Deborah Zimet.
From the beginning of the 14-week trial, prosecutors acknowledged their case lacked much direct evidence.
No murder weapon was ever found and much of the blood evidence was washed away.
But prosecutors said he had a motive. At trial, a prostitute testified that McCord was a frequent customer and talked about wanting to end his failed six-year marriage.
And Cavanaugh argued that he wanted to collect a $350,000 insurance policy on his wife.
During trial, defense attorneys Jeanne Baker and Mel Black argued that even if jurors believed McCord probably killed his wife, there wasn't enough evidence to reach a conviction.
Anti-Americanism at All-Time High... What else is new?
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:20:15: 05/12/2005) Just imagine being American in today's world and times. Easy right? Not. Well, not really. It hasn't been easy being American since 1950 and the Treaty of Rome wherein Germany and France had to split steel production down the middle. GATT [General Agreement on Trade and Tariffs] was created (now known as the evil empire of the WTO) to make countries get along with equal trade agreements for whoever is a member. (It's grown to 188 countries by the way but who's counting? It's all the Americans' fault for all this nasty business of free trade.)
But we digress... America is looked upon as the most evil nation on the planet. Maybe not the most evil, but pretty damn evil.
If you go to Europe just be prepared to go, "Yeah. I know. America is just completely nutty. We all think people should have, like rights, and other bullshit so we kill leaders of dictatorial countries, etcetera, etcetera, and you're hookers are loathe to have sex with us, yatta yatta. Our foreign policy sucks and I'd kill Bush if I could."
Although, you don't mean it. Just say it because they'll let you take free rides on their buses. Democrats. Republicans. Both bullshit because there should be more than 2 choices that are legitimate but the rest of the world- hoh- let them tell us just how fucked up we are, because they are authorities and it doesn't matter what party you like because after about five minutes you're ready to fight to decapitation or worse.
Yeah, it sucks having a backbone. Just pretend like you're French or something when you visit le Tour de Eiffel and that'll make your life seven times easier while you're there. Because, despite the fact that they hate you for your country's bullheaded foreign policy, they wouldn't like you even if your country cow-towed to every de Gaullian thought.
Trust us. This is all hard to spew, because France is Frotuss's second favorite foreign country because the frotuss is so easy to locate there (in the form of Hash). Go toward the red light area and approach the blackish looking men. This is easy to do as an American because most Americans are, for some crazy reason, big-AND- scary in comparison to the average 5'6" european. It must be the GM Meats- but anyway- Americans are MONSTERS and the morroccans have great hashish so just ask them. They'll trust the Americans because they're these enormously average 5'9" to 6'10" mongoloids with better English than the Latvians or Ukranians (not to mention the British) and on vacation the Americans love to get out of their skull. And they know this.
Airplane Controls Financial Markets
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 20:28:12: 05/11/2005) Amazing how such an image as this can push billions of dollars out of the US financial systems in the blink of an eye.
CNBC host Bill Griffith was at a loss for words withouth his teleprompter. Largent vacant spaces of airwaves were filled with Bill muttering at the camera..."Uhh... an attack... isn't... isn't eminent..."
Little jolts of insanity like that get the world crying in the streets for their mommy. After all. It is May the Eleventh and we can all recall such bad incidents that have taken place in the last five years on odd numbered months that had days that began and ended with eleven. Terrorists and hedge funds gotta make money these days, too!
With every other stock shorted beyond its capacity to be shorted, with failures to deliver at an all time high, the stock market has never been so oversold as it is right now. Prices somehow manage to remain even keel despite the outflows and an economy that's not quite as bad as everybody would like it to be. The stock market would seem to imply that we're going through a period of protracted negative growth but if you look at the trailing 12 month figures for just about every single company you witness record revenue and profit growth- alas they're not hiring too many people, so what else can one do to send the markets spiraling downward so every Tom, Dick and Harry who is so smart and short the market (let's not forget long on 2 or three or 4 mortgages)... Hmmm. Let's send one of our own on a near-suiced mission into the no fly space of Washington DC. Then. Just wait till Bill Griffeth goes "RON BERGUNDY" and starts muttering to ma and pop investor to go "fuck themselves".
Sad part is. It worked. The markets slapped down a quick 1% before ralling back to positivity. The yee and haw going on is phenomenal.
Gay Men Have a Different Brain
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 21:18:02: 05/09/2005) Researchers led by Ivanka Savic at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden, exposed heterosexual men and women and homosexual men to chemicals derived from male and female sex hormones. These chemicals are thought to be pheromones, molecules known to trigger responses such as defense and sex in many animals.
Whether humans respond to pheromones has been the subject of
debate, although in 2000 American researchers reported finding a gene
that they believe directs the human pheromone receptor in the nose.
The brains of homosexual men respond more like those of women when reacting to a chemical derived from the male sex hormone, new evidence of physical differences related to sexual orientation.
The finding, published in Tuesday's issue of Proceedings of the
National Academy of Sciences, shows differences in physiological
reaction to sex hormones.
So gay men have different brains.
Is it their fault that their gay? Is it a disease? Is it bad? Nope. Nope. Nope.
Welcome to Naked City: Bruges
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 09:10:05: 05/08/2005) Western Europeans get naked an awful lot and are severely horny but on this fine morning they obviously cared enough about art to brave cold weather to show up in Bruges, Belgium get photographed. Some 1950 of them showed up and showed off all their parts. Look at them all bunched together. I don't see a signle woman or blonde person in the bunch. What's up with that?
Stupid, Stupid.
Bruges is in the part of Belgium most Americans would like. If you try to speak French to them they'd be apt to spit on you as they deplore their fellow countrymen that speak Francaise and live in Brussels.
Crazy thing about Belgium.
Their beer is second to none. The Germans are famous for their vast consumption of it, especially on Oktoberfest holiday month of September (Don't go in October, unless it's the first weekend because you'll be too late) and the Dutch are famous for Heineken and Amstel (The Amstel River is in Amsterdam) and their extremely loose morals but the Belgians should be known for their extremely terrific beer instead of their big ass horses. Why do you think they need those big ass horses in the first place? Look at the Budweiser Clydesdales and figure that the fuck out.
All joking aside, Belgium is the size of Palm Beach County (exaggeration: Palm Beach County might be bigger as it is the largest county east of the Missip, throw it in your googlebox, I swear... here: copy and paste: Largest US Counties) and has 350 different breweries. The 350 breweries might actually be an underestimate.
The Belgians are all about getting naked. They are famous for the little baby looking guy who wee wees. In Brussels you can see his original statue. Not sure where it is, east of the town square and by some bar obviously. It's a little dauphin (prince) who snuck out of the castle and when they found him he was adorably taking a little whiz into some fountain or something (not sure really).
The city of Bruges is lovely and has a vast network of canals, lovely abbey and a church that has behind a catacomb something sealed from the crusades, in a receptical a drop of Christ's blood. And you know it's real because you feel a cold blast of wind from deep within your soul the moment you enter the chamber whether you're frotified or not.
This Just in: Anakin goes to Dark Side, Becomes Lord Vader
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 07:25:21: 05/07/2005) Frotuss Heads will unite soon for the 3rd part of the trilogy which is the backstory to the original Star Wars Trilogy. They will emerge and remove the towels from the floor of their dorm room doors, put down the toilet paper and paper towel tubes stuffed with those sheets you put in the dryer to make clothes less clingy or something. They'll walk from their sofas and puff upon joints and in some instances, like some known and beloved frotuss heads even toke upon bongs as they drive along interstates, main streets and side streets to their favorite viewing locations to take in what has to be the best of the backstory trilogy by Mr. Lucas and company.
It will be violent. It will mystify. It will be sick. And most frotuss heads will have to go back and see it again because the first half of the movie will seem like quite a blur but by the end of the movie when the real geeks are standing up applauding for an encore with tears in their eyes the frotuss heads will be digging through their pockets looking for those red, blue and green lighters so that they can light up again and meditate awhile thinking deeply on the fact that there are no more Star Wars movies to come.
"Darth Vader is bad.... Obe Wan is silly with that sword. Shit."
Al-Quaeda's Number 3 caught?
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 07:11:05: 05/05/2005)
Al-Libbi, a native of Libya, was arrested earlier this week, Pakistani Information Minister Sheikh Rashid Ahmed told The Associated Press.
In other news, Ringling Brothers hairiest man has gone missing.
No cigs on das autobahn?
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 23:31:12: 05/03/2005) As if the Germans didn't have enough problems with socialism and a highly book-smart population that inevitably leads to high unemployment thanks to 21 years of school and rationalization skills. Even worse, the communist regime in that fair state of fast women and fast cars and highly skilled auto manufacturers is banning smoking and driving at the same time. No longer can you have your cigarette and drive too.
Hitler's masterpiece, the autobahn, is now flawed. The Mercedes-Benz (which doesn't cost nearly as much if you're German- not impressive at all really) shan't have puffs of smoke billowing from its recesses while it roars along at 160 kilometers/hour no more. The government of Deutschland has issued a "nein" vote and borrowed a few choice words from the ever existing singer/songwriter David Byrne from the talking heads, "...no thank you please. It only makes me sneeze..."
But the real question now is what is next for banning in the vaterland? No drinking and driving? No oral sex above 70 kilometers/hour? How bout just no losers like the American ones pictured above? We'd probably all be thankful in the long run for that.
Paula: You're Fired?
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:20:37: 05/02/2005) The oft bizarre looking and even more strangely acting Paula Abdul is being reemed by her employer, Drudge Report has learned, for giving tips and even lessons to some of this year's hopefuls on American Idol the TV Show that turns great karaoke stars into bubble gum celebrities in a fortnight.
ABC is considering running an expose piece on the one or two hit wonder/ex-Laker Girl herself. The real question is who'd be dumb enough to ask Paula for career advice? What is she an actress? A model? One of Hollywood's worst dressed? No wait. She's a judge on an overblown talent show featuring two supposed music producers.
Becoming a star is like winning the lottery. Some are good, but most are just lucky. Paula? Figure it out. Next.
What's even funnier is that some people are trying to ruin the show by voting for the worst contestant on the show. Now that sounds like real news as reported by the Howard Stern show earlier this morning. Votefortheworst.com wins our thumbs up because that show is a rueful celebration that highlights the lowest common denominators of America. We only wished we thought of it first. Unite free-thinking, ORIGINAL AMERICANS, ban the mass market and the mass media's universal distaste for the singular soul.
Working and Living Among Us? Mayday!
(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 10:56:37: 05/01/2005) Just in time to pump Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy American and European astronomers have spotted a planet larger than Jupiter orbiting a brown-dwarf, or failed star near the constellation of Hydra 225 light years from here.
"It seems like the planets are creeping up from us from all types of directions," Freddy Barger, an autoshop worker having his Sunday breakfast at a Waffle House on Earth was quoted as saying in his mesh t-shirt.
Freddy is right on the money. With planets so close and Earth lagging behind the rest of the galaxy in technological capabilities, acceleration methods and anti-ageing bio-mechanics there is little wonder as to the obviousness of conclusions with regard to interplanetary beings and their instruments working and living among us- perhaps (gasp!) controlling us.
For that matter, Freddy could be one of them... nahhh.