Actors who can't come to terms with their homosexuality: Enter Tom Cruise



(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 09:57:12: 04/30/2005)  Maintaining that hetero appeal must be tough these days.  Consider the gay actor Tom Cruise.  He spends so much time and energy on attempting to keep women interested him at the box office that he forces himself into these desperate relationships like the faux seen here with him and Katie Holmes uncomfortably kissing in font of the papparazzi in Roma, Italia.  It's CPK or common public knowledge that 90 percent of Hollywood actors are gay (remember High School theatre?). 

Cruie should embrace the public with his true self.  This is the new millenium.  We're a very accepting world these days.  Just allow for that Rock Hudson inside to deliver that hetero chemistry onscreen because it certainly does not come shining right through the lense of the Italian papparazzi's lense.  It's okay.  The world loves gay men.  Many of them have a tendency to be articulate, talented and extremely expressive.  The repressed hetero man slunks to his automobile every morning to hustle off work to make diaper money NOT seeking any limelight.

Katie Holmes?  While she may be attracted to Tom a little, but come on Katie.  You're not fooling anybody.  We all remember the flaming Vincent from "The Color of Money".  Come on now.



TheRapist



(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:04:55: 04/28/2005) Oslo, Norway - A 31 year old man fell asleep at a party in January of 2004 on a sofa during a party in the city of Bergen and he woke to find a 23 year old woman having oral sex with him. Norwegian law prohibits sex with someone "unconscious or for other reasons unable to oppose the act" and it is therefore considered rape.

The court sentenced the woman Wednesday to nine months in jail and ordered her to pay 40,000 Norwegian crowns ($6,355) in compensation.

Norway who has a long tradition of equality (and promiscuity) had a prosecutor that felt that it was necessary to not invoke any serious double-standards for the rape of a man by a woman.

Scientifically, this woman must've been real vomit for the guy to say, "Stop! duh duh duh... RAPIST!" Otherwise it might've been a nice little, "Oh, I thought I was dreaming. Carry on," or the always pertinent, "I'll wait until you're finished. I'll be okay... Seriously."

Sorry, but there is a double standard. If you're a woman who wakes to find a man having oral sex with you, well then that's just probably not going to work out then is it. The male genetelia protrudes and therefore doesn't necessarily become "invaded". Licking an unconscious woman's breast might be considered to be more on par, but social mores teach us from birth practically, that the woman is a little more sacred than that utility infielder otherwise known as a man.



Welcome to Florida



(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:49:05: 04/27/2005) The Chinese buffets stay open all the time. Jewish grandparents frequent them day in and day out. Delray Beach and Boca Raton and Boynton Beach are the havens of prosperity and everything in between. On the outskirts the cash registers ring up receipts for liquor purchased by the coastal residents who used to or once did coke. The really, really rich ones. Coke is nothing to them. It's drano. It was a summer routine from the eighties before or after they jumped into the water or took the yacht down to Boca or Miami Beach for dinner on the intracoastal. You're talking about Florida. You're not talking about your old relatives in New York or Ohio, but you could be talking about your old hippy grandparents in Northern California or Oregon with their mushrooms but this is different. We have uzis, hurricanes and Miami Vice to recount our historical past in South Florida. We have streets named for I dream of Jeannie...


What's really cool is going to the bathroom at the Ale House in Lake Worth and looking at their really, really old Post Cards of Florida.


Love Stinks



(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 06:21:12: 04/27/2005) She loves her but she loves him.... An Indian who became a man to marry a female relative was dumped after the surgery, a newspaper reported Monday.

Twenty-nine-year-old rubber tapper Kuttiyamma, born with both male and female genitals, had been in love with the relative, Laura, 25, for 15 years before having surgery to become a man and change her name to Binu, the Hindustan Times reported.

But Laura became engaged to another man and Binu is suing her for breach of trust after spending 50,000 rupees ($1,150) on the sex change in southern Kerala state.

"She had agreed to marry me after the surgery," the paper quoted Binu saying in the petition. "I took loans to pay the hospital bills."

Laura's fiance has since backed out of the wedding after hearing of Binu. The paper did not say how Laura and Kuttiyamma/Binu are related.


Postcards from War Zone



(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 06:35:04: 04/26/2005) After decades of state censorship Iraqi arts are beginning to flourish once again. Musicians and artisans of all types are again allowed to practice their arts and perform their magic. It's not such an easy row as today's edition of USA Today has a feature entitled "Postcards from Iraq" which feature several separate interviews with different individuals including the gentleman pictured above, Mehdi Salih Al-Arabi.

The piece almost makes somebody who has a real taste for arts go to Iraq for the real local color and flavor. Almost.

As an American or European, perhaps it would be better if you stayed in bed and covered your head. The risks of touring Iraq far outweigh the rewards if we are to believe the daily reports on CNN of hostage taking and cars blowing up and suicide bombers. The head choppers are slightly more troubling than the suicide bombers because with the bombers one is left to wonder whatever in the hell they are just hoping to gain? Who has sold them a bill of goods?

Back in March of 2003 or so at the beginning of the Iraq campaign somebody over at Yahoo! had a similar piece but it was specifically titled: Tourist Destinations: Baghdad. This was featured on anybody's "MY YAHOO" page as a tourist destination. Either somebody had let the feature grow stale over at Yahoo! or somebody had a really sick and twisted sense of humor. It just ain't right.



Poor Katie



(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 21:15:12: 04/24/2005) The New York Times is running a piece on the derisiveness of Katie Couric on Monday April 25th because her "unders" don't care for her and have leaked information to the Rag also known as the New York Times.

She's overburdonesome to those under her and have become a diva.

We cannot argue with the diva aspect. If you've had the fortune of getting to watch Katie do her morning thing with Matt one notices that she's left the mommy clothes at home and appears to be aging in a sexy reverse.

The article mentions her stillettos clicking down the hall and people running, but one also notices them bouncing on of her knee as she discusses the world with such a sexiness that who could go on caring about the world or whatever the hell she's talking about. Granted, she is the morning queen of prim and all that is proper and this sexiness is a stretch of her public persona- let's not forget that she lost her husband to her children to cancer. This doesn't imply that she gets a pass in all that is unfair in life like a nasty article but the early releases of the article make her out to be petty and impudent, but who cares if she doesn't care about how her personality gets priority over all other on her show. What's the big deal with that? It is America and we can pay for whatever we want and can act as jackassish as we want. If people don't like us, then they walk the other way or never talk to you again. Get over it.



Hooray




(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 07:34:05: 04/23/2005) After over ten years off of the Walgreen's shelves the "Today Sponge" will return as a result of sponge maker Allendale Pharmaceuticals getting clearance from the FDA.
American Home Products stopped making the sponge in late 1994 when it encountered manufacturing problems.

The sponge was made famous by the television comedy "Seinfeld," when the character Elaine hoarded the devices once they were no longer made. She then used the birth control method only when she deemed a man "spongeworthy."

That episode, and repeated re-runs, raised awareness of the product. Allendale, which bought rights to the Today Sponge in 1998, received daily inquiries and kept an e-mail list of about 9,000 horny women interested in the sponge's return, said Allendale President and Chief Executive Gene Detroyer (no relation whatsoever to Vern Shroyer).

The sponge is as effective in preventing pregnancy as the condom. Allendale plans to make 10-15 million sponges during the next year and double production in the second year. Men should be happy about this because if they were readily practicing with condom with their wives or girlfriends they'll now be able to actually feel the friction.



AGAINST EXCESSIVE SKEPTICISM





(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:09:05: 04/21/2005) 
 "It is really quite amazing by what margins competent but conservative
  scientists and engineers can miss the mark, when they start with the
  preconceived idea that what they are investigating is impossible.  When
  this happens, the most well-informed men become blinded by their
  prejudices and are unable to see what lies directly ahead of them." 
   - Arthur C. Clarke, 1963


"There are some people that if they don't know, you can't tell 'em."
         - Louis Armstrong



By 2011, Florida = 3rd Most Populous State



(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 06:37:12: 04/21/2005) As noted by many authors as they recount our daily psychotic episodes, the nuts are rolling down hill to Florida. Florida is now the 4th most populous state but it should begin to take electoral college votes from New York soon as it will be the 3rd most populous state, according to people counters in Washington, DC (The Census Bureau)- placing it 3rd behind California and Texas.


One jackass, Joe Steinman, 59 from Weston, New York was quoted in the Sun Sentinel: "They're all going to keep coming here. New Yorkers love being around other New Yorkers. Who else is going to be able to afford to buy houses here?"

It is the comedy stylings of other like-minded individuals that will keep Floridians in stitches for years to come with such brazen logic, as the south of Florida continues filling up to the north part of Florida.

Psychologists have hypothesized that people who are not happy tend to think living in Florida would be a good way to go to cure all their psychotic symptoms because, afterall, they can wake up almost everyday and hardly get dressed and be greeted by the sunshine. And. If it isn't sunny they can run amok and kill somebody or drive their car into one of Florida's water (deathtrap) canals that are along the sides of the road everywhere swarming with multitudes of types of reptilia still undiscovered.

This may explain why a city like West Palm Beach, with a population of 90,000 can have one of the top 10 murder rates in the USA. In recent months there were 19 killings in a 28 day stretch as a result of gang warfare, not soccer matches (Guatamala vs Haiti).


Happy 420!!!!!!!!!!!!



(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 19:35:04: 04/20/2005) It's Frotuss.com's 1 year anniversary. We're sure all the frotuss heads are driving around in their Honda's, taking the bus, toting their water bongs and mini-coolers full of ice in the event of celebrating the High Holy Day in the world of FROTUSS with a j-bone, a toke and a smile.

Time for good friends and good frotuss. Pass the Pringles and inhale.




It's Good!


(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:06:12: 04/19/2005) If you weren't listening too closely you'd swear that John Ratzenberger from Cheers also known as "Cliff" has finally moved out of his mom's apartment and became Pope.

Nevertheless, our newest Pope, Benedict XVI, held up his arms in perfect field goal alignment. "He's very excited about the upcoming NFL Draft," an American drunk catholic proclaimed from his bar stool in Benny's Ice House in Boynton Beach, Florida. Indeed with the draft looming this coming Saturday it seems very important that the stars are aligned in the Catholic Church of Rome.



Join SAA: Go To Meeting


(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 23:50:04: 04/18/2005) What better way to overcome sexual addiction than by attending a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. What is sex addiction you ask? Well according to sexaa.org it can involve a wide variety of practices. "Sometimes an addict has trouble with just one unwanted behavior, sometimes with many..." hmmm... "It may have started with an addiction to masturbation, pornography (either printed or electronic), or a relationship, but over the years progressed to increasingly dangerous behaviors." It is then described as a powerlessness over a compulsive behavior resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable (THEY GET CAUGHT CHEATING/AND/OR GETTING OFF SOLO).

The concept is almost laughable. It's worse than the old joke by Hedberg about alcoholism being the only sickness you can get yelled at for having. It's the other sickness that you want to meet (if you're a man, single of course) beautiful women who have it. If you're a woman you probably want to avoid these hairy palmed beasts lurking the western counties of Florida.

What's funniest is that they actually have meetings. That sounds great. Let's get these sex addicts all together so that they can not have sex. Hmmm. Doesn't really sound like a good idea. Kind of like inviting a bunch of crackheads to a cocaine convention and telling them it's okay to play in the cocaine, but don't even think about walking out those lobby doors and buying some baking soda, spoons and lighters. Forget about it. Sounds more like a nice way to shelter money and throw orgies.

We leave you with this:

A Useful Tool for Self-Assessment

Answer these twelve questions to assess whether you may have a problem with sexual addiction.

  1. Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?
  2. Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?
  3. Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?
  4. Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?
  5. Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?
  6. Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual?
  7. Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship?
  8. Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?
  9. Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.?
  10. Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development?
  11. Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?
  12. Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal?

If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, we would encourage you to seek out additional literature as a resource or to attend an Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting to further assess your needs.


You Lost Your Finger, But Now You're Due 100k From Wendy's


(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 09:59:12: 04/16/2005) A woman's finger is missing. A well-manicured woman's finger.

Anna Ayala's claim that she bit down on the finger in a mouthful of chili March 22 initially drew sympathy. She hired a lawyer and filed a claim against the Wendy's franchise owner, Fresno, Calif.-based JEM Management. But the 39-year-old Las Vegas woman, formerly of San Jose, dropped the lawsuit threat after reports that she has a history of filing claims against corporations and Las Vegas and San Jose police searched her home and began questioning family and friends.

Executives at Wendy's HQ have taken the matter very personal. Sales of dropped at Northern California franchises, resulting in lost jobs, reduced hours. They've also set a Red Phone on the president of the company's desk, a hotline, for tips and doubled its reward yesterday to $100,000 for information leading to the finger's original owner.

Their brand reputation has suffered and will continue to suffer as a result.

The contrarian, frotuss viewpoint is that their food has never been safer as a result of such a misshap because you can be very sure that their double and triple checking for bizarre new recipe submissions.

As a result of the red phone people are coming out of the woodward. The most encouraging lead yet came this week when a caller to the hotline revealed that a leapoard had bitten off the fingertip of a Pahrump, Nevada woman. The victim, Sandy Allman, lost part of a middle finger in February when bitten by a spotted leapoard, one of several exotic pets she kept around her mobile home (See Frotuss Story Storm Magnets). She left the finger at the hospital and was quoted as saying, "What would I want it for?" improperly ending her sentance with a preposition, but even more diabolically, setting up someone perfectly with the itch to sue a major fast food restaurant due to inept food controls- possibly suing for millions, or even worse, yet going Al-Quada and shorting the stock before the event.

The city of Pahrump has never had such great news to discuss about town. "You walk into any bar or any store, and it's what people are talking about," said Doug McMurdo, managing editor of the twice-weekly Pahrump Valley Times.

Back at the Wendy's where the chili was served, customers seem convinced the tale of the finger was a scam. 81 Year old Ralph Woodman probably conveys most sentiments with his quote, "There's too much in this country today with people trying to get things by conning them out of it. Wendy's has been good for years. How the hell would you get a finger into the pot without seeing it in there when you're stirring it? It had to be some sort of screwball ruse."



I WANT MY MXBOXTV


(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 19:09:35: 04/12/2005) You thought MTV had a stranglehold on the minds of today's wasted youth. You thought Bill Gates had a stranglehold on your computer's operating system. You thought videogames caused children and young adults to become wasted shells of human beings. So Bill Gates got into that business and has control of the XBOX video game. Now, after speaking out about the need for an overhaul of the United States' Educational System he plans to speak out of the other side of his mouth and undermine that effort.

Or does he?

Could it be that Bill Gates and Microsoft are teaming up with MTV so that they can take a shortcut the brain and create a few thousand million teenage supergenuises, not just generation Y ultraconsumers with Abercrombie, Hot Topic, etc frothing on their minds?

No way.

The next generation XBOX console will be introduced on a May 12th special on MTVwith Elijah Wood hosting and a number of athletes getting paid to show up and pump the new machine into the wimpy little brains of MTV watchers who no doubt obtain what they desire rather than their parents having to endure a little "episode" with them around the island in the kitchen.

This is America. We want everything both ways.



Grandma's Frotuss


(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 20:32:02: 04/11/2005) LONDON (Reuters) - A 66-year-old British grandmother with a taste for marijuana casserole was spared jail Friday despite admitting she had shared cannabis-laced cookies with fellow pensioners.

Patricia Tabram from East Lea in the northern tip of England, who said she uses cannabis to alleviate pains in her neck and back, pleaded guilty to possession of the drug with intent to supply.

But Judge David Hodson said he would not make a "martyr" of her when she returned to Newcastle Crown Court for sentencing. Instead, she received a six-month suspended prison sentence.

The white-haired, bespectacled granny was unrepentant, and said she would keep cooking with pot.

"I had it this morning in my scrambled eggs and I'll have it again for lunch. I'm not giving it up," she told Channel 4 news. (This is great)

Tabram has become a symbol for Britain's legalize marijuana campaign. On her Web Site, www.grandma-eats-cannabis.com (not working), she promises soon to provide free recipes, as well as tea towels and mugs for sale.

Last year, Britain downgraded cannabis from the same class as cocaine and ecstasy to a lower class of illegal drug, which means police are not expected to arrest people for possessing small amounts but can jail them for supplying it to others.

Police said they raided Tabram's home after a tip-off in May last year and found 31 cannabis plants along with hydroponic cultivation equipment. In a later raid they found 47 bags of "skunk," a particularly strong form of the drug.

The set-up at Tabram's home "bore all the hallmarks of any sophisticated drug dealer," police said in a statement.

Here She iS


Good Head

(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 19:46:09: 04/09/2005) The rumor wafting around England like stale farts leftover from a stale fish and chips party is that after 35 years the woman who has become the second most "pretend" powerful woman in Great (come on, America, there are a lot of great things about it) Britain, Camilla Parker Bowles is that she is an exceptional blowjob giver.

We're looking for an interview that describes technique, etc but we don't think that we'll ever reach that end so we're reporting what we know right now before Drudge or Google or Reuters (yes in that order) get there dirty little hands on these tidbits that are flowing out of the drunken mouths of the wedding party. To date we've known that royals, being royals, are very sexual since due to evolution and circumstance they've had very little to do other than to screw each other and the help for the past several hundred years and that they've had little to thank other than their ancestors for setting them up with such terriffic "rights".

Louis XIV was known to have engaged in sex from as early as 3 years old so it is not entirely impossible to believe the words being bandied about by drunken wedding guests and wedding party members that she's amazing at giving oral sex of all abominable things is remotely out of the area of the question mark.

Camilla gives great head. Word has it that she can barely resist giving it especially in tight quarters like butler's pantries and elevators with 3 or less people. Quite amazing really. And now the marriage is beginning to make perfect sense. Look out Harry and Houdini, er, William. Your new mum is a keen sucker- according to rumor- nothing else, of course.



Trial by Jury


(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 20:15:09: 04/07/2005) What's been most impressive so far is that Pope John Paul II looks much stronger and healthy dead laying on that board, paraded about and paraded before than he has for the past several years. Amazing!

Now it is time for his peers to judge one of their own to become his replacement. Not a very easy task to embark upon considering all that is at stake in the world's largest non-taxed corporation with more real estate holdings and assets than any other institution on the face of the earth. What it lacks in Human Capital it more than makes up for in emotional blackmail and tax-free interest. Surely even Osama Bin Laden had a soft spot in his black heart for the Pope.

God's representative on earth?

Sounds more like someobody got into the fungi-fied rye bread.

New changes to come may include an African Pope as Cardinal Francis Azire is widely rumored to be the new man in charge. Does this mean that the Catholic Church is going to begin allowing women the rights of divinity outside of the convent? One may only guess at this point.


Can the church's teachings on contraception be changed to reduce the amount of deaths occuring in Africa? The church would enhance its moral authority if it could accept common-sens that sex with a high and avoidable chance of transmitting HIV are a worse evil than the use of condoms. To endorse this would not imply that the church is in favor of promiscuity or abandoning Christian ideals of chastity or fidelity.

The questions remain and abound, but who will it be? Only the cardinals can tell. It will be a closed-door trial which has been going on through telephone and email for years now, but will it matter? Will it help? Will the Church turn a new corner (or two)?


Storm Magnets


(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 21:27:36: 04/06/2005) Mississippi. 19 Storms were reported to have left a trail of destruction with trees smashed down and powerlines wracked by winds and rain described as a storm of a system called a "super cell" capable of producing multiple tornodoes.

Seven people were injured and between 20 and 25 homes were destroyed. They were mobile-home seeking "super cells". The usual.

The only ones who say mobile homes aren't storm magnets are the folks over at real estate jounral who argue that it's a myth. If it's a myth, then why this story?

Why the facts vs myth analysis? Well of course, because they're trying to make an absurd 7% commission by selling them. Realtors: not exactly endochrinologists.

Fact: if you type in the words mobile homes and trailers in any type of search you will wind up with a very focused list of stories corroborating or seeking to debunk. Where there's smoke... there's a "mobile home".




Let the Games Begin



(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 20:55:58: 04/05/2005) Basketball season is over and now it's time to get ready for Football right? Wrong. It's that time of year again where they're going to raise a ruckus over steroids and the Yankees. At least that's how talk radio looks at it on the sportstalk. There are 161 games or something ridiculous and half the fans are already absolutely insane about being in last place!

Get over it. There has only been one game played. Go to USA Today and look at the standings. Half the teams are in last place. It's hilarious.

They're wound up, too. Many fans go to games to get drunk and pick on the players. Was it last year that the player through a chair into a group of fans and busted up that mean looking woman's nose? That was great. We'll be paying more attention to America's pastime this year as we have just learned that 38 minor league baseballers were just suspended for testing positive for 'Roids. Hey who said hair loss, uncontrollable anger and a shriveled penis were a bad thing? If these guys had not taken them who knows where they'd be, not suspended for 10 games but maybe pumping gas or caddying at a nice country club.