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Bin Laden Jumps the Shark: Plans to Merge Al-Quaeda with Zarqawi Inc. (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 20:51:03 02/28/2005) According to Reuters Bin Laden has recently asked Zarqawi for help in attacking the Americans. This was lifted from a quote of "an official" which is a "source" that is questionable at best. BIN LADEN: Yes, Zarqawi? Z-Man. I need your help man! We need to take the emphasis off of Iraq and bomb that satanic son of a bitch America on their homeland.
BIN LADEN: No, your brother is still in the Al Quaeda Yellow Pages. He gave me your number. Listen, son of Allah, the Americans are really making my life miserable here in the mountains of Pakistan and my DirecTV card I picked up on eBAY is acting up... Big Time... ZARQAWI: I know what you mean man. They're must be sunspots, because channel 595- BIN LADEN: Playboy? ZARQAWI: Yeah, that's the one. After the wives go to bed, I can hardly get it in. It gets all- BIN LADEN: Splotchey? ZARQAWI: Yep, that's it. BIN LADEN: That's why I am sayin, I know we've had our fundamental differences, I mean, I know that you're just about causing a ruckus and I want to impose sharia on everybody, but I think we should join forces because you know... ZARQAWI: Yeah, I know. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.... Yeah, Yeah, I've heard it all before Binny, but what happens once we merge our corporation. How can we really add value to the real shareholders? The Sauds? They already have their money. Every morning we kill several people so the western media picks it up and keeps the price of oil high... what do they want $100.00 a barrell? BIN LADEN: Who cares about the price of oil in China? I want my DirecTV back and so do you. This is getting ridiculous. It's time we organized this chaos. Ten guys here, twenty guys there, 7 guys there. We need to get our guys together and really wreak havoc on America. I'm already short the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq is already so low there's no point in shorting it and the airlines and the car companies are almost all already out of business. I'm thinking I can make you a partner on some of my defense company positions if you promise me that you'll help me get some passport help and stir it up? ZARQAWI: You know you're right. Lockheed is way undervalued, I bet we can get 15 points out of them easy with a nice skyscraper blowup or dirty bomb in Chicago Binny. BIN LADEN: Now you're thinking. Have your people contact my people in Tikrit at 8am tomorrow. Praise Allah. ZARQAWI: Praise Allah and Exxon Mobil. BIN LADEN: By the beard of Mohammed!
Breast Cream, Breast Cream, We all Scream for Breast Cream (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 09:55:13 02/27/2005) A promotion for breast enhancing cream that involved three models having a 15 minute mammary massage in public has caused a furor in Thailand, with family groups saying it violates traditional values and morality.Despite Bangkok's racy reputation as the "anything goes" sex capital of southeast Asia, most Thais are uncomfortable with public nudity and all newspaper pictures of the demonstration had the breasts blurred out. "The campaign is just to promote the product without considering the damage to society," Ladda Thangsupachai of the Cultural Watch Center told the Nation newspaper on Friday. "This is taking advantage of society and an irresponsible act." Executives of St Herb Co., which makes the "breast beautifying" cream, said they laid on the stunt merely to counter suggestions their advertising claims were exaggerated. The Nation said Ying, one of the models, was embarrassed at having to bare herself in front of the cameras, but did believe her breasts had become firmer and the gap between them smaller as a result of the treatment. St Herb is likely to evade the wrath of regulators because the cream is "breast beautifying" rather than "breast enlarging" -- a trick missed by makers of a "breast enlarging bra" now under scrutiny from the Thai Food and Drug Administration. Whether it works or not, a headline in the Thai Post tabloid summed up the controversy best in a society obsessed with marketing gimmicks: "Big breast bras good for people with small brains."CANADA SAYS 'NO' TO MISSILE DEFENSE SHIELD (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 21:23:29 02/24/2005) Canada has decided, according to the Drudge Report, to opt out of being protected against missiles that might possibly get shot at her in the event that Kim Jong Il gets a wild hair up his ass and fire one over at Canada. It makes perfect sense considering Canada is closer to North Korea and Russia than the U.S. People who are insane enough to fire nuclear weaponry would, if you think about it like a complete crazy person, be sane enough to just go ahead and ignore that large reservoir of oil and agriculture to the north of that piece of shit United States- and since they know that their missiles are completely accurate- just decide to skip over ol' Cananananada because...hmm.. oh yeah, they opted out of being defended against possibly getting shot by such weaponry. Protection from long range missile systems obseletizes the useless need for another country to go ahead and lob nukes at a country, let alone develop the capability of sending them nearly into orbit to find their potential location. Who really needs to be bulletproof from the world's only known nominal threat that causes other countries to quake in their boots. Being politically correct is one thing, but you could go ahead and act like you forgot to tell the USA to spend her tax money to protect you from the threat of sociopathic despots. USA Today and Mind Control
 (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:24:58 02/23/2005) The above headlines are an abbreviation for the literal trials going on in the world today outside and above your life. They're dictatated at us from on high at some colorful newspaper distributed throughout the world and are supposed to be some reflection of the state of affairs in America. It's mind control. They are headlines with little to zero implications on our daily lives but we're going to hear about it on every little news blurb coming out of your radio on your way to work and home if you drive and coming out of your TV set if you watch TV. They're the latest dead horses. We all act like we give a shit, but we really don't. Number one, the woman on life support is going to live or die. Number two, AT&T and fees on calling cards? We could give a rat's ass once the calling card is in our posession. You're going to call that goddamn 900 number and see what the fuck all that shit's about. Allawi, Al-Jafaari... Prime Minister of NATO or IRAQ, we're not, sure, but it's far enough away and at least their electing somebody. I'd elect them if they'd get those orange barrels out of my way on the way to work. That would shave a good four minutes off of my morning commute, and do you know what we'd do with the extra four minutes.... read Frotuss.com or find a way around our company's firewall so we could look at porn while nobody else's at the office (don't act like you wouldn't). Number four: Michael Jackson's jury for his "little problem". If you're on the jury you've just won the lotto if you know how to take notes. Don't act like you wouldn't be saying "Yess" to yourself. Quietly, yes, but "yes" nonetheless. Number last, Randy Moss is getting traded. Finally, some news you can sink your teeth into because lord knows the latest developments in the cure for cancer are not going to make you want to reconsider your fantasy league. So we're going to drive to work and all think about the same 5 subjects whether we like to or not. It's like some futuristic Fahrenheit 451 where some soothing voice just talks to us as we take the tram to work but instead of telling us to burn our books the news just blabs and in an off hand open hand smack to the head tells us not to read books because you'd rather watch reruns of "I Love Lucy" only with different actors making different faces.... "Don't think... because we've got it all taken care of right here..." and after hearing about it for 14 hours straight you wonder why you have all these whacked out twisted, wonderful dreams? Why? It's because your brain has been dying for you to think something unique all day and it's not really even your fault. As the future evolves it just give the crazy monster more holes to pop its head out of and scream those same headlines at you over and over and over and over and with jelly on top and with that goddamn trojan condom that can warm up so he and she can feel it at the same time: "Gee, you want to go have sex? I'm dying to feel that warm sensation." What the 2005 Chicago Auto Show tells you (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:08:21 02/22/2005) Pictures from the Auto Show can make one drool. Sometimes pictures will just jump out at the average person. Let's take the Ferrari F430 for example. Nothing says "Get laid by four random women and go back to your Miami Vice crib on Biscayne Bay and do an ounce of coke" quite like this beauty. No doubt about it. You're middle aged. Divorced. Successful and perhaps feeling a bit inadequate.... At least that's what everybody says about you. Only she knows the truth.
Now, you might be a redneck if... you own one of these International RXT's. See. You can haul all day long- a nice big trailer- then come on back and help your friend Bill the Contractor who has a DUI go to his next job. And there's little doubt that you do have the famous "Feathered Mullet". This is Toyota's answer to... I'm not sure what but the tinted windows sure do look cool. It's like that cool japanese car those super shortcut guys were taking in Canonball Run driving all over the desert and using infrared rather than following actual roads. What do you lay across the top of this thing? A surf board? That's fine as long as you don't pass between 2 semi trucks. Maybe it would be better if you just laced a nice basket up there and went on safari in the bush while you had a driver drive the FJ Cruiser. What does the FJ stand for? It must stand for Fucking Something. Volkswagon had fukingruven. This must just mean, Fucking Japanese Cruiser, asshole! Not bad really.
"That thing got a Hemi?" "Well, you're about the fuck gonna find out... because I'm going to tow your car and your house away to Maine." Thompson's Last Days, by Robert Weller in Aspen (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 21:35:51 02/22/2005) WHILE Hunter S. Thompson's suicide shocked many in his remote neighbourhood, one of his closest friends said yesterday the writer had been in great pain after a broken leg and hip surgery. "I wasn't surprised," said George Stranahan (frotuss observation: neither was anyone really- read one of his books), a former owner of the Woody Creek Tavern, one of Thompson's favorite hangouts. "I never expected Hunter to die in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of him." Thompson died in his home on Monday from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, Pitkin County Coroner Dr. J. Steve Ayers said. Authorities refused to say whether a note was found. Thompson's body was found by his adult son, Juan. Investigators recovered the weapon, a .45-calibre handgun (frotuss observation: we're relieved somewhat that he was at least original). Neighbours in Thompson's Woody Creek neighbourhood said a broken leg kept him from getting out recently. Ralph Steadman, his long-time illustrator, said yesterday that Thompson sometimes talked of suicide. "Hunter said these words to me many years ago: 'I would feel real trapped in this life if I didn't know I could commit suicide at any time'," Steadman wrote in London's Independent newspaper. "I knew he meant it. It wasn't a case of if, but when. He didn't reckon he would make it beyond 30 anyway, so he lived it all in the fast lane." But Shep Harris, who now owns Thompson's local tavern, said Thompson would sometimes slip in for a drink and a smoke if no one else was there. Patrons normally are not allowed to light up because the tavern does not have a separate smoking area but if Thompson was the only customer, he got a waiver. "We called it the Hunter Rule," Mr Harris said. Mike Cleverly, a long-time friend, spent Friday night watching a basketball game on TV with Thompson. He said Thompson was clearly hobbled by the broken leg. "Medically speaking, he's had a rotten year," he said. "[But] he's the last person in the world I would have expected to kill himself. I would've been less surprised if he had shot me." (frotuss observation: classic) Thompson was legendary for his love of firearms. "He had a thing about guns," said Mary Eshbaugh Hayes, a former editor of the Aspen Times. "I was always worried he was going to shoot someone." (frotuss observation: no shit?) Thompson: Dead at 67 (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 08:59:13 02/21/2005) Frotuss.commers the world over are saddened today as we learned about the deat of one of the great frotifiers of all time, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson. In the films about him and the books he wrote he was portrayed as an audacious mad scientist of journalism where he coined the usage and popularization of Gonzo Journalism which was to take a topic and greatly emphasize whatever personal points seemed necessary to talk about and to reflect upon in what may easily be assumed as a stream-of-consciousness manner; written in much the same vein as Frotuss readers are used to seeing. It's a sad day in frotuss world and whatever your political leanings or drug-using habits one had to be entertained with the steely, cunning and calculated manner in which Hunter wrote and reportedly lived. Evidently we had no idea how calculated the mad man was because it's reported that he was to have offed himself in much the same way as Hemmingway offed himself. Was he in a drug induced haze of paranoia? It's hard to say. In a 1990 USA Today interview he blanched at the question regarding his drug use and responded that his drug use had to have been exaggerated othwerwise he'd obviously be dead. Perhaps he was elaborately tricked into his death and was thusly murdered. One can only speculate that this man had enemies who were only too willing to do him in to compensate for how he had, at one time or another, done harm to their fragile egos. For fuck's sake man! What would you think after just thinking about what wild and crazy bastard like Hunter must've said to the wrong people just to piss them off. Ever wonder why he was obsessed with guns? There had to be more to it. He never seemed too scared of death so at 67 the notion of the decline of the body and the mind into "old age" and eventual shitting of the self and getting neglected for the remainder of his years in a nursing home should not have been the least bit frightening. One can only speculate how the riggormortus may have frightened him. He was probably just inspecting the barrell of his 12-guage. One temporarily last theory is that Hunter is busy pulling off an elaborate hoax and is trying to avoid paying income taxes. Theories aside, it's probably a good time to pick up a copy of some Hunter literature that you should have lying around your house and feel the power of his ebb and flow and feel the words just jump into your brain. It's like sipping on electricity. Shit, man!
So there you are. Not too many cool ones on that list. The funny part is that people are going to actually get the numbers and call and email them. (Keep laughing) The FBI is investigating the matter "seriously". "Hey, Roddick. I'm looking for a tennis partner tomorrow because I'm off for President's Day." Yeah right. You're just a bigger dufus than Paris if you actually want to bother these people. Not so fast my female friend... (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 22:12:00 02/18/2005) Pictured Above is the Emmy Award-winning TV weatherman Bill Kamal. The seeming superstud had been arrested on more than one occasion for drunken drivng: once in 1998 parked up against a concrete highway barrier on 595 in his Silver '98 Corvette and the more recently in his black Jaguar where he nearly doubled the blood alcohol content limit of .08 with an outstanding .153. On his second occasion he failed to touch his nose 4 out of 5 times. For that kind of hand-eye skill it's amazing he was able to keep it on the road. Granted he was going 25 miles per hour in a thirty five mile per hour zone and swerving over the double-yellow. He forgot the famous Frotuss mantra of years gone by which is a song you sing to yourself to get yourself home and it's called "Yellow on the left and white on the right" and this token number is sure to get you home so long as you're not driving while blowing a .153 which is truly outstanding. (**A Frotuss note: a fun gift for anyone turning 21 or any age really is your own blood alcohol content measurer sold at The Sharper Image for a mere 90 bucks pluse s&h---- ooohhh... this not only helps you recognize your legal limits but also is probably the most fun drinking game "THE MAN" ever came up with. The winner is the last person standing over .14 or better.) Oh, back to Kamal. If you are a woman who is attracted to this type of male think twice or three times, even. He was sentaced today to a mandatory five years in federal prison in an internet child sex sting involving an undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old boy. To quote the Palm Beach Post, "Bill Kamal was arrested after driving 90 miles from his Fort Lauderdale home to Fort Pierce to meet the nonexistent boy six days after the first Internet exchange. The hurricane guru was fired as chief meteoroligist at Miami's WSVN-TV after his arrest." Don't ask why people who talk about wind, rain, climate etc are described as "meteoroligists". Every weatherman frotuss.com has encountered was undersized and over-ego-ed. This all too perfect weatherguy pictured above groping Barbette Fiera and Julie Guy really did like little hardbodies. Unfortunately, he was more in to the ancient Greek type of hardbody hunting. To quote the now late, may he rest in peace, considered great, bard of words and animation and merry prankster that he was when he consoled me (ganja of frotuss) when I lost a friend to overt abuse of the self- Ken Kesey.... "Too bad... More from the Palm Beach Post: Kamal forfeited desktop and laptop computers
for using them in his crime. He told the judge he was remorseful and
spoke of his religious faith. All things have "cause and effect, actions and consequences," said
Kamal, whose hair and face are grayer since he was jailed without bond.
He said he expects God to redirect him. "God wants that pure and innocent person that he created returned," he said. Kamal's brother, godmother, a former co-worker and his family's
church pastor in Lawrence, Mass., spoke for him. The Rev. Edward Hughes
choked up as he described how close Kamal was to his family and his
continuing role in church activities from such a great distance. Let's Go for 7, Bitch (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 21:23:15 02/17/2005) Gay Paris- Hungry but not tired, that man who-knock on wood- beat cancer, Lance "The Man" Armstrong wants to take his Tour de France record to even mightier heights as he goes for his seventh straight title this summer. The Texan really pissed on some French people last summer when his sixth Tour de France crown sent him by four past five-time champions: Jacques Anquetil, Eddy Merckx, Bernard Hinault and Miguel Indurain. Believe it or Not (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 19:59:23 02/14/2005) He's back. The Greatest American Hero is blessing our lives once again with a release of it's first season including the introductory 2 hour pilot episode. Frotifyers everywhere will rejoice. If you click on the picture you should get the Amazon link. This guy used to crack us up because he couldn't really fly but it was cool anyway because it wasn't like Superman was on every weekend. What kid didn't love flipping around the house in his underoos wishing he or she could fly and kick ass with supernatural ability. The Next Grandpa Munster 'bout to beat some ass (Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 21:49:23 02/10/2005) The man tabbed as the next Grandpa Munster in remakes of the 1950s show that featured the famous fam from Mockingbird Hights had some choice remarks about the Michael Jackson trial that is soon to transpire: "If you consider it inappropriate for a man to look at a book of naked pictures with a child that's 13 or 14 years old — then your answer would be yes." Feldman says he had such an encounter at Jackson's home when he says they stopped there on the way to Disneyland. "We went to his apartment, and I noticed a book that he had out on his coffee table. The book contained pictures of grown men and women naked. And the book was focused on venereal diseases and the genitalia." Feldman said the singer sat down with him and explained the photos to him.
Feldman said, "I was kind of grossed out by it. I didn't think of it as
a big deal. And for all these years, I probably never thought twice
about it … But in light of recent evidence … I have to say that if my
son was 14 years old — 13 years old, and went to a man's apartment that
was 35, and I knew that they were sitting down together talking about
this, I would probably beat his ass." Beat his Ass Grandpa Munster of the Future. Staying out of Trouble with Frotuss...tips:(Associated Frotuss Press Wires: 20:40:23 02/09/2005) Ever wonder how to stay cool and stay in school:
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